Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
