seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
