I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
