please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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