My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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