she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
