I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
I wish life had little blips of pornography
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
