So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
