Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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