they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
