I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
