dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Randomize
