I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
