so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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