Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
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I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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