so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
