can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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