her facebook's as public as her vagina
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
