I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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