Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
