I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
