I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
