i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
