I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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