I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
