Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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