someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
