i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
