I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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