Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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