oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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