when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
