I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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