Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
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And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
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The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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