Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
