The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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