I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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