Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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