don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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