No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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