I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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