There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
