I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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