I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Already got asked if we're dating
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
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