so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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