"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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