My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
