He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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