last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
