Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
