So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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