Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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