How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
