I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
