the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
