hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
