i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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