I love how my cats smell like pot.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
