I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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