I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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