I wish my penis had an off switch
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
