Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
